In Week 1 of Term 4 Heather McQuillan worked with a very talented group of Year 5 writers. Heather was an amazing tutor and the children and their writing blossomed with her feedback.
It was a narrative workshop called 'Stepping into Shoes'.
Learning Experiences:
The children wrote four pieces (first draft ideas) and selected one or two for development to second and possibly third drafts.
Some of the elements of narrative writing that we talked about and put into action
· Using first person/ third person, and past/ present tense for different effect.
· Show more than tell- using action, reaction, senses
· ‘Best Word’ choices -precise nouns, lively verbs, sparing use of adjectives
· Story Structure – (see checklist in books)
· Varying sentences – complex sentences, active noun sentences, vary length for effect
· Maintaining consistent tense and point of view.
The group discussed how different drafts work.
First Draft - be a thinker (ideas/ messy/ advance action/ find out about your protagonist).
Second Draft - be a writer (check for sincerity and clarity, add detail, cut, change, rearrange, show not tell, vary sentences).
Third Draft - be a reader (read out loud/ check punctuation/ spelling/ paragraphing/ last line/ first line/ title).
Here is some snippets of writing from the group. These have not yet been published and may be crafted further. Should the children like me to update their writing they can email me at claire.howison@stalbans.school.nz and I will replace their text.
Dance Like No One is Watching by Bella
As Beth walked around the stage before her national competition, she saw thousands of seats that would soon be full of people there to watch her perform. Beth’s dance partner Summer turned up a while later and after a quick conversation together they started a good practice of their routine. Kate their dance teacher came in and told the girls that their costumes were ready for them to see. She took them into their dressing room. Beth walked through first. She looked around and there in front of her were two magnificent costumes. The one for Beth was a sparkly blue singlet top and a black skirt with black shorts. Summer’s one was the exactly the same but the top was white. The girl tried their costumes on and they fitted perfectly. Beth and Summer started to get ready. They did each other’s hair and make up. Then they walked to back stage and peeped around the curtains at all the folk making their way to their seats.
Suddenly the music started dodo dooo dodo doooo dodo doooo but it was the wrong music for Beth and Summer’s dance! They looked at each other with a worried expression on their faces.
The DJ’s tried a few more different songs but none of them were the right music. Beth and Summer huddled together and decided to dance up to the DJ box and tell the DJ’s which music was theirs. Beth and Summer were quite embarrassed about this.
“I’m not so sure about this,” Summer whispered
“Don’t chicken out you scaredy cat, we have to do this if we want to win this competition,” Beth whispered back. So they stepped onto the silent stage, twirled into the audience and up the stairs to the sound box and told the DJ’s which music was theirs.
The DJ said “I’m sooooo sorry. I hope I haven’t put you girls off.”
Beth and Summer then danced back on to the stage with the audience cheering for them. They slipped back behind the wings and this time the right music started. They performed their dance without a single mistake and the whole crowd was on their feet.
The rest of the duets performed and later on after the finale everyone found out who the winners were…
“and the winners are… Beth and Summer!” the host declared.
Caleb's Narrative
Samuel Hirsch was strolling through his inspiration room to think of ideas for the world’s greatest machine. He had already thought of an Iron Man suit, a giant mech and holograms. Now most of these might sound futuristic but Samuel was born on August 31st 2011 and was over 35 years old then so it is quite far from your ‘now’. So anyway Samuel decided not to do any of them because by then in time they had all been invented already, then it struck him, Anti-gravity!
Two long months later Samuel had invented a box that made gravity not affect an object, person or animal, and also an anti-anti-gravity device transparent covering (to watch T.V. on your floating couch so the T.V. isn’t floating around like crazy).
Sunset the Loyal Royal Mermaid by Catherine
Deep in Lakeclear Grove, Sunset the mermaid and her younger sister Coral were flipping their fins when the water turned dark and Crescenda appeared. She had grey bumpy, hairy skin with the face there were warts which were as black as ink here hair was grey and white with streaks of red and her dress was full of skulls and real bones, her eyes were like a sword with red blood on it.
Sunset successfully swam away but her sister Coral was captured by Crescenda. Sunset rushed away to her parents Queen Pearl and King Sky.
As soon as they heard they thought Sunset was finally old enough to be told about her powers. She had the power of brains and her sister had the power of all water. They said Sunset had to go rescue her sister, because if Crescenda got the power of water then she could cause great danger.
On the way Sunset also met a angel fish. The fish’s name was Angel. Angel was a bright bubbly fish that made a special bond with Sunset. Sunset had to go through Ghostie cave which is said that if you go through Ghostie Cave you will come out as a ghost if you don’t pass the three tests. As Angel and Sunset stared at the entrance, Sunset didn’t want to go into the cave but she thought about the danger Crescenda could cause.
Once Sunset and Angel had entered the cave there were three nymphs. One was a blue nymph, another one was green and the third one was yellow. The first test was a riddle. The riddle was
what is blue but sometimes covered, I have one thing and sometimes two, I sometimes am grey.
Dance Disaster by Emma
The doves chirped happily outside as the sun shone brightly on the towering windows of The Paris Dance Academy. Ten -year old Riley glanced excitedly out of the dressing room windows as she changed into a sparkly singlet top, black shorts and, surprisingly, spotty gumboots! She was there for her mid year dance recital. Riley was doing two contemporary, four jazz and five ballet dances. She tied her silky mane of blonde hair into a tight bun and pinned in her sparkly red
and blue fake flowers.
After Riley had her make up done she made her way to the Stage peering through the curtains she spotted her two bestie’s. Beth was all dressed up in the latest fashion and Charlotte was holding up a painted sign that said GO RILEY! She was about to step on stage, with a wire attached to her back for the aerial dance, when a Melissa who was in another troupe competing came up behind her.
she whispered in Riley’s ear, “Bad luck, princess”
The music started and Riley skipped on. She kicked , jumped and leaped across the stage. Just as Riley was being lifted up into the air for the finishing pose the wire that was holding her snapped. She fell in pain clutching her right arm.
Melissa got caught by the dance teacher holding a pair of scissors.
The next day Riley woke with Beth and Charlotte either side of her hospital bed.
“Are you ok?” Charlotte asked worriedly.
”Yeah just a little sore” Riley replied.
”You broke your arm “said Beth “but on the bright side I have designed an awesome cast for you!’’
“I can still dance though right?” said Riley
“No” sighed Charlotte “not for two days”
“We nagged the doctor until he shortened it” added Beth
“Oh and Melissa is banned from competing too” said Charlotte
“You guys are the best”
Two days later Riley was back to dancing just not as competitive.
But Riley made her dance teacher promise no more hanging on wires!
Trick or treat by Libby
The sight of the ice-cream parlour makes Bridget want to throw up, with its newly -painted candy walls and candy-floss lights. She can’t stand it for she is just about to try the grossest ice cream in the world!
Bridget knows she has to taste the ice-cream because its her job to taste all the new ice creams and she’d promised her boss Abby but she never thought that she’d have to eat sardine and chocolate flavoured ice-cream!
Bridget slowly makes her way up to the ice-cream parlour and anxiously pulls open the door. She sees her boss Abby Creamer walking towards her with a big grin on her face.
“Hi Bridget’’ Abby says.
“H-hi’’ Bridget mumbles
“Are you ready to try the new ice-cream flavour?”
“ Um I guess so” Bridget says staring at the ground hopelessly.
“ Ok come to the kitchen the ice-cream is there waiting for you,” Abby says.
Bridget follows Abby into the kitchen and when she walks in it is buzzing with people like a Farmers sale at the Palms. Suddenly everyone stops talking.
Bridget slowly sits down at the table. In front of her is the sickly brown ice cream. As she picks up the spoon her expression is like a baby eating lemon for the first time
The room falls silent as she tastes the ice-cream
“Its um” Bridget mumbles, “ Its amazing !” she shouts. "it tastes like strawberries and cream… no strawberries dripped in chocolate… no both. Let's just say it’s the best ice-cream I have ever tasted .
Abby is grinning again. “Oh right sorry it was a mistake the ice –the cream flavour was actually strawberries and chocolate!”
Turtle Story by Rosie
I was just a young turtle back then with nothing much to do so I was watching the fish school playing amongst the sea sponges. They were just little clownfish. (Like Nemo)
Suddenly the fish started swimming in the other direction. A gigantic lemon shark sprang out of nowhere! Funnily, he smelt like lemon, which I don’t get. The shark had drool come out his jaw. He had an evil smile. He cackled with evil laughter.
“You will get eaten little fishies! Ha ha ha!”
“No they won’t!” I screamed with all my lungs and got between him and the fish.
I started slapping the shark with my flippers but all that did was tickle him.
I swam through a narrow tunnel made out of dead coral that was to small for the shark to fit through.
I took the fish under my flipper to some rocks like Swiss cheese and told them to stay there. Then I turned back to deal with the shark. I bit him and slapped him but he created a giant whirlpool and that made me fall into the sea sponges.
Then out of nowhere a diver came with a spear and he slayed the giant evil lemon shark that smelt like lemon.
Since then I have been forever loyal to that diver. I have always stayed at a post where he comes a lot so I can maybe save that divers life one day.
Nymph Adventure by Aliana
With the water gurgling behind her and a twisty path beneath her feet, Bloom the nymph was walking in silence with her friend, Bella. The sound of an animal rustling on the leafy path ahead made them shake with fear. The sky above grew darker. A huge dark shadow loomed in front of them. It was, the haunted mansion.
The two nymphs stopped in their tracks.
“Bloom, are you sure this is a good idea?” whispered Bella.
“To get the may lily and save the village, yes,” replied Bloom.
“Ok, but can we fly yet?” questioned Bella as she started to walk again.
“Not just yet when I say three. one… two… thr ahhh.”
The nymphs both fell down, down, down in to a deep dark pit that’s entrance had been hidden by the leaves. Luckily they used their wings to slow their fall. When they landed the two girls started to shake and scream because thought they couldn’t fly up into the pitch darkness with out knowing where they where go.
Soon they heard a voice, “Hey you, what were you doing trespassing on my property?” There was no answer. Back down at the bottom of the pit the two nymphs were petrified!
“Hello, answer me, I am the Keeper!”
In a matter of minutes the figure was down on the ground. A light turned on. The Keeper had a long brown beard, his eyes were blue and he wore a black cloak that had the letters D-A-N-G-E-R Then Bella and Bloom noticed that they were standing in the middle of what looked like a storeroom, and before they had time to react or even move The Keeper picked them up and put them in a bag … “CRASH” “BOOM”…
“Aaahh,” yawned Bloom. “Bella are you awake? Last night I had a horrible nightmare.”
“Bloom…” crocked a voice.
“Bella is that you?”
“Yes…” was Bella’s croaked reply
“Yes it is me, I think I have a cold.”
“And Bloom, there’s…”
“There’s what Bella”
“Bella? Bella?”
“AAAAAAAHHHHHH” “It wasn’t a night mare… it was real!”
Right in front of Bloom was The Keeper and behind it was the may lily, the flower that would save the nymphs village from the plague.
Bloom asked the stranger why he was treating them this way. The man answered by saying that he was the Keeper of the may lily and that they were trying to steal it for evil. Bella looked confused. What was he talking about, how is taking the may lily to heal their village evil?
“Keeper, but how are we going to do evil?” asked Bella
“You are going to try and spread a plague across the nymph city so that every one will honor you when you fix their problem. “
“No” yelled Bloom.
“What makes you think that we will do that?” continued bloom
“Well you looked scared and when people are scared that normally means they are guilty and someone does want to do that because I was warned about them,” said the Keeper.
“Well we’re not guilty.”
The two girls then explained all that was happening at their village and why they needed to use the flower. Eventually the Keeper decided to believe the girls and let them have the flower. On the way back to the lake the keeper threw a stone and suddenly a net popped up. The net looked like it had been set as a booby trap but nobody knew why. Back at the village there was a party for the two brave nymphs who went on the mission and for the Keeper who brought them the may lily that would save the entire village.
The Escape by Jake
As I trudged along, the rain was pouring thick and fast through the canopy of the rainforest and all over my coat of fur. I have to tell a story tonight in the burrow. But I’m the worst in my pack at public speaking and even worse, the story has to be true.
Then, through the dark trees, I see an ocelot’s worst nightmare. Skidding my way over the muddy grounds is … the king of the jungle. The jaguar’s mouth is expelling foam, its eye’s glare at me with anger and hatred. I see it’s yellow razor sharp teeth and smell its revolting breath
It pounces! I manage to scurry out of its reach but I see its reflection in one of the many rain forest puddles. It pounces again and his knifelike claws dig into my face and neck. I swing my own claws and they rip a gash in his tough cheek flesh. He backs away. I take this as my chance and sprint under a hollowed tree root. The jaguar comes back for another try but only his claw tips can fit in the root. He skulks back to where he came from with his head down low.
I wait until he’s gone then slide under a fallen jungle tree and bolt. I get away but I’m not out of the woods just yet. I still have to take the journey of scampering home with blood flushing from my cut ear and nose. My front left paw is injured badly so I am easy prey to other animals.
All to share this story, I thought to myself, while limping back to the burrow. I’m not sure stories are worth it!
The Hero Leopard by Olivia
I was exploring the base of the snowy Himalayas when suddenly the wind started howling and the air turned ice cold. On the lower slopes of the mountain above me a young skier was struggling to turn but he was very far away so I wasn’t scared.
I needed to get to my den, which I knew would keep me out of the wind.
I was now about two meters from my den when the young skier lost
control and crashed into some ice forcing it to crack and cause and avalanche.
I thought to just leave the boy but my instincts turned my body around.
I was now racing after the boy. His eyes were wide and his mouth had dropped so I gripped his shirt with my teeth and dragged him quickly back to my den. As soon as I stepped in my den the avalanche hit but we were safe. He then took off his skis. When the avalanche had passed the boy ran out and hugged his parents.
The boy’s parents were amazed that he wasn’t under the avalanche.
For the next few days the news reporters were everywhere round the Himalayas searching for me I wondered why. I stayed in my den because I was scared to go out I was there for days but finally I had, had enough so I stepped out and the reporters saw me instantly.
I tried to go back in, when the world went black around me. Minutes later I woke up in this snowy area just like my own except there was no skiers. I was in a snow leopard wildlife reserve. I was also on the news for days which made me happy because after my death I would still be known as the most helpful leopard to mankind.
The Eye of Old Lassie by Thesara
It all started in Scotland where Loch Ness is. The sun was beaming down on the lake making it shimmer and sparkle in the sunlight. The bagpipes were being played, and the heather flowers swayed from side to side as if they were dancing with the breeze. Deep, deep, deep in the lake was an extensive burrow protecting five very special things.
Inside the burrow were five eggs, but not the type of ordinary chicken eggs you probably have for breakfast, believe me these eggs were not tasty. The eggs were a tiny bit bigger then a ostrich’s egg and they were a leathery type of egg with a dark mauve coloured shell on the out side.
A week passed and the eggs were ready to hatch, but lurking not too far away from the burrow was the egg’s mother, Old Lassie the Loch Ness monster. She had caught just enough fish to feed her babies as she knew that today was the day they would hatch and be born. Old Lassie rushed back to her burrow as fast as she could making shore she didn’t get caught by any nets from any pesky fisher men. She watched over her eggs and guarded them with all her love and care. She was a very loving mother, a very loving mother indeed. That was when old Lassie knew that her eggs were going to hatch in any minute, the way that her blood was boiling and boiling gave her the signal that it was the time, the time for her litter of lochlings to be born. She carefully brushed off the sand and mud of her precious eggs and just stood there staring at them.
